it's a dreary day and the weather is getting a little too cold for me today. Received the shock all at one go this morning when i was told i didnt pass anything for prelims. prelims...my gawd...prelims! Though i've failed for countless times that i cant even rmb, but i've never felt so truly down and out, never felt that the situation was so way out of control before. AS im writing this right now i cant even think properly. And its not that i studied only a little or stuff like that. in fact during this period i think i studied more that i've ever done for the past one-and-a-half years in njc. Perhaps it was becoz i was easily distracted during study. maybe. but i think it was really becoz i cldnt perform during exams.. i dont know anymore. never have i been this scared before. the stupid thing is the problem is not even the content part that i've problem with. the problem is with me.
take this scenario:
im in this place which is completely dark. you cant even see your hands in front of you. there are small specks of lights which attempt to light up the way around you, but try as you might you still cant see a thing. and you try to do something. anything. you try to stare hard ahead of you to the point you start to go dizzy. but nothing comes out of it.
it's exactly my situation right now. dont know if i made any sense at all there but ya that is all to it i guess... maybe everyone feels i think too much, but i know i certainly am not. And im sane, thank you. dont treat me like a sick puppy and such coz it just hurts so so so much more. i admit i dont take failures well but really, im aching so badly inside. it really hurts. my morale is sinking into a bottomless pit. to have a problem and know what to do about it is still fine, but if you dont even know what to do, that's when you really have a big problem.
Man, i really got it bad.
Woah… today’s been a pretty fun day! Went to sentosa palawan beach with my dearest company. To be really honest, I didn’t want to go at first coz I woke up with this ‘bruised’ eye. It really hurt. Plus I had a little throat discomfort thanks to the food the previous night. But anwz, I’d like to say I didn’t regret gg at all! Yay!
Hmm…Went to soak in the water of coz. Then they decided to get on one of those giant floats to chill out or smthg.(it wasn’t really tt cooling though:p haha..*lame joke*) Alamak. I cant swim la! But the rest of them could so I got them to go ahead. Really, I was quite contented to just drift arnd the shallow areas. But I was really blessed to have a group of such friend-worthy friends. They didnt want to leave me behind so I ended up clinging on to zhengwen and hua cheng to get to the almighty float. Boy was it scary:1stly, the guys were not confident they cld get me ( and themselves) to the mighty destination. (in fact my mum warned me not to get into the water for some reason b4hand...so to actually agree to go all the way out to the float like that just shows how much trust i had in the guys man..) 2ndly, we were swimming against the current. Man, i've never drunk so much seawater in one sitting. To the point that a packet of Ruffles just reminds me of seawater now.(Ruffles=seawater) And to see the guys struggling themselves, i just wanted to cry. Dunno why myself. I guess it's just that i've never liked feeling so totally helpless in a situation. But anwz, we finally made it there in the end. Hip hip hooray!
But while getting there was one obstacle, but getting UP was another. Man, if i had seen a videoclip of how i got up, i'd probably hide in the moutains for the rest of my life. Man, i felt like a pig getting onto the delivery truck. How unglam can i get?! Spent time playing cards and getting seasick on it. Real fun. Then after some of them got back to shore to eat Ruffles, jiahui and hua cheng finally got me back to solid ground without a hitch. Thank goodness.
Later went off to play ultimate frisbee, together wif a couple of jiahui's friends, Moses and i-cldnt-hear-his-name. oh well. Hmm..maybe i went too much into the game. realised i was diving into the sand at every chance i got. Alamak..so unglam again. Maybe the course on Tues will do me some gd. And i ate lotsa sand during the game too. I bet if i just swallowed some tiny sea fish live, i might just become the world's 1st walking sea aquarium and create history. But man was it fun. Enjoyed myself today despite the traumatic sea experience.
Reviewing my blog entry, i thank the creator of blogger.com. Unbelievably long journal entries like mine wouldnt have been possible without u. Thank you!
In addition, as an afterthought, i think i shall bring floats wif me the next time i go to the beach. Those which are worn on the arms.
Hohoho! Today’s been a stark contrast to yesterday! Had a class BBQ at Shu En’s house today. 19 of us. Shopped my afternoon away with 11 other pple at Turf City Giant. Whoa..It was truly CHAOTIC. Anyone in Giant knew what we were buying, where we were going, and what we were gonna do for the rest of the day.(Okok…maybe I exaggerated too much, but it was more or less there la) Clearly evident that these ppl have never done grocery shopping as a group --- they were so excited.
Then at Shu En’s house. The guys set up the fire, the girls marinated all things marinatable, and wrapped up all that was wrappable. Oh,and i actually got cut by the jagged edges of the aluminium foil box. Ouch. They were right when they said that we should not judge anything by its apearance. The box really looked innocent enough. Jac though, begged to differ. She merely looked at me and said, simply, that she really didn’t know whether to laugh at me or cry for me. ‘Nuff said.
Could say it was quite a good class-bonding activity. Never seen them so enthusiastic before. But here comes the most exciting part. Everyone dumping all that can be BBQed down onto the smoking pit. It was pretty fun seeing everyone getting so busy and stressed up.(heh...it was me as usual…) Then this honey advocate of a classmate Benson, decided that he should promote the goodness of honey on BBQed food and proceeded to POUR and may I repeat, POUR honey on everything that lay on the grill. Alright I admit I did happily agree to him putting honey on quite abit of food, but what I didn’t expect was honeyed crabsticks and most atrocious of all, honeyed FISHBALLS and PRAWNBALLS!!Today was the1st time in all of my 18 years did I ever taste sweet and salty fishballs. Yummy? And as if things weren’t exciting enough, it started drizzling:x It stopped soon after though. To dry things up abit, juicy corn was wrapped up and put together wif the coal to be cooked. For 1 hour. And I had dried, crispy, crunchy corn in the end. Wow~. Haha…but it was all worth it. Never have I had so much fun BBQing in my life. And may I add, roasted marshmallows are D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S.
Returned home really happy, and on a carbon dioxide high. After all, that was all I had to breathe for the past 4 hours that I’d been there:p (P.S: haha...apologies to all victims of my madness)
Prelims are over!! But haiz...dont really feel THAT good at all. The fact tt i didnt do 3 out of 8 qns in Physics p2 sank in when i woke up this morning after a good long 8hr slp. What a spoiler.*pouts* Kinda dampened my mood today.
Went back to school to collect my stuff from my illegal locker.( heh...i duplicated my locker key la..) so i returned one and still have one. SAw this dead kitten on my way to school though. Apparently it was run over by some reckless driver. My heart really went out to the little thing. SUch is the cruelty of life i guess. It's so heart wrenching when u picture the scene where the mother cat finds out its kitten is no more and purrs over its corpse. May the little soul rest in peace in a place of no sufferings.
Anw life goes on i guess. At least someone acknowleged its existence...ironically in its death of course. Really did crap today. JUst lazing around the whole day. WAt a boring day.
And it didnt help when i saw SHAUN CHIA WEN JUN'S msn nick:
'Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear'
Just makes me wanna bang my head against the table and go back to mug. And this is only the 2nd day after my prelims.
hmm...so far so bad:x Ohoh..Gonna get it from Mrs Lim:x Spent too much time on qn6 of econ essay and only did one-and-a-half questions. Not even sure if i really nailed e qn on the head. Already failed. heh..oops... Time management time management!!! Physics oso... did 3 out of 4 qns only. Hopefully i dont make too many careless mistakes man...Aldy screwed up my pract. I cant fail this:p As for maths... Judging by the no. of times i heard different pple complaining its too easy, i guess i can only pray. Orh-mi-tor-hoot. Nay...guess i'd better get back to my books now and try to make up for the losses in the subsequent papers. May the most desperate excel.
Somebody save me!!! Woah the stress is really coming to me. My brain's getting too clouded and i cant think. I havent done lotsa stuff for econs yet. And although i did all the work given to me for physics, i cant rmb wat i did recently. Maybe its just because im stressed tt's y i cant rmb my stuff.. yup i think tt's the case. Im supposed to convince myself to stay calm but it's really easier said than done. Esp when i know tt i cant complete even the barest minimum i need to do. And time is running out. Fast. GOsh! Why the hell do i always do things ONLY when it's too late? hmm.. Think i'll put my hands together and pray to the Goddess of Mercy when the car bypasses the temple later. keke... Maybe she'll help i hope? Meanwhile i guess i shldn't think too much and stress myself unnecessarily huh? Wonder how come everyone can handle the pressure so well... Hmm...
Rather fed up recently. With the impending prelims of course.. Been wasting alot of my already very short time left to round things up before the exams. i know i havta do it, but i just refuse to, i dunno why. So for the past 6 mths i've been fighting a battle-- with myself no less. I didnt want to acknowledge this problem which i know existed for a long time--until now that is. I'd be telling myself to study study study but even when the notes are in front of me, i didnt. I'd daydream abt everything else other than what was on the paper. And so subsequently, i'd regret. Guilt eating me up inside. Wld feel real terrible abt it. But nonetheless, this cycle repeated itself again and again. Wanted to tell someone, anyone abt it. But it was a problem wif myself, not tt anyone cld help me. What's more all my friends are tied up enough already. They'd just tell me to RELAX RELAX RELAX. Absolutely HATE tt word. Cldn't tell my folks abt it either. They cant tolerate me crying over my work. My mum wld probably convince me im just too tired. Again. So got rather depressed the past few mths.
So again, after spending 3 whole days doing a miserable phy prelim paper and 48 econs mcq qn and nothing else, i went back to the staring game last night. But this time, i was entertaining suicidal thoughts as a way to run away from all this. Realised i was in too deep in this cesspit to redo everything though. Or run away for tt matter. (heh..sometimes i think im the one who needs a shrink.) Eventually told my mum the truth. Abt me sick of what im doing now. Well not tt she can do much abt it, but at least i've gotten the most pressing problem off my chest. And she promised to see how she cld help. GOtta get thru' this...and i hope i will.