YEAH I GOT ACCEPTED BY NUS!! Was so worried abt it...coz NIE's offer is up by tmr and i had yet to receive any offer from any of the Unis.( with the exception of SMU who kindly rejected me outright of coz...) I was super jittery when i went to NUS this morning...at the insistence of my mum. It was her who pressd me to go there personally anwz, so i've got alot to thank her for. My idea was to check it out with NTU,NIE 1st b4 i proceeded to NUS to check if they cld give me an earlier reply. I mean, even if they rejected me, at least i know i dont stand a chance n just give up hope n enter NIE lor. So came the agonising wait for this very benevolent lady who offered to check it out for me if i got through---in the admissions office. So it's like getting the news fresh from the oven, lah. I was so certain they wld just tell me it's still pending lor.
So when she said, "Oh, your application just got through this morning. U got into the faculty of ur 1st choice. We can only update it online tmr...but u'll see it over at NTU's website..." i just startd tearing man... So super relieved yet angry that they cld only tell me so late. This piece of good news was timely, but caused me alot of emotional stress. Couldnt sleep well for the past few days coz of this. Cldn't enjoy myself too. But now im happy!! Str8 after tt i told my mum i wanted to go to the temple to pray...and give thanks to the Gods who watched over me from above. REally was super thankful for all that has been granted to me. I promised them i'd be a good girl too...to my mum, for she was the one who insisted on not listening to me. And more importantly, she was the one who prayed fervently to the GOds for me too.
REBONDED MY HAIR TODAY!! While im happy with the results, the process was pretty......scary. Coz they used this hair iron to press my hair so that it was flat, and i cld see steam coming out of it all the time. I was so scared that the hairdresser would accidentally slip n burn my ears with it. And the smell of the straightening chemical they applied on my hair...Whoa! Very smelly!!! There was this pungent smell abt it and it's still on my head right now. And the best thing is cant wash my hair for 2 days...so i get to keep the smell as a temporary keepsake. But haha...i ain't complaining la...I've got soft smooth hair for now! Everyone at home says it's nice, only my mum of coz... She was against it right from the start. BUt honestly...she was right abt me not being really happy abt it. I found it artificial for my taste, but i kept it to myself coz i knew my mum wld bombard me on that. But yeah...she was damned right. That's y they say Mum Knows Best.
Later on in the evening we went out for a simple dinner to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary. While i was heading towards the car after the dinner, my right leg slipped due to the wet carpark floor n i fell. Scraped my leg...but tt wasnt all... The worst part was tt i slipped behind a car which was REVERSING. Imagine what wld have happened if the driver didnt see me fall and decided to reverse onto me... Pretty scary if u ask me.
Went for a class gathering today. Had lunch, talked abit and shopped abit. Later they went back to nj, but i flatly refused. I was sure they were gg to talk abt Uni admissions n stuff and since i havent gotten anything yet, i thot i shldnt go and make myself feel miserable any more than i aldy am. After i parted with them i went to walk arnd a 'lil more b4 i went to the hairdresser's near my place for my long-overdue haircut. Manx...it turned out bad. Coz my hair was quite long, so when i cut it short the ends just curled all the way up immdediately after te hairdresser cut it. Gosh...i cldn't bear to imagine how much more it wld curl n puff up when it dried later. Bad bad hair day.
After tt on my way home passed by the community ctr. Tt was abt evening time. Saw a really freaky sight... There's this area which i have to walk pass tt has tables n chairs for ppl to read newspapers. So as i passed by one, a boy arnd 14 or 15 of age with features resembling tt of one with Down's syndrome caught my attention. But there was smthg else abt his face which really had me there. I thot i saw dark streaks tt flowed down from his right eye, which i cldnt understand what they were...until he ran a finger down that area on his face and turned his finger outwards. His fingertip was RED. Gawd...i really didnt know if he was lookng at me or the girl sitting opposite him, coz his features were a 'lil abnormal. I cldnt be sure. At tt moment i got so damned frightened i just froze. I cldnt even determine if he just scratched his face till it bled or if he was smthg i SHOULD NOT be seeing. And the worse thing is, no one arnd seemed to notice anything. I got so so so scared i just con't walking as if there was nthg wrong.
I kept it to myself n only told my mum while my family was out for dinner. I have never ever seen stuff like this before manx...and i hope i nv do again.
FRiday the 13th... Started out good...but later on i managed to jinx myself during class. Haha! Spoilt my 'safe' streak by telling my kid i had been 'heng' so far at tt time. Big mistake.
Later on i had driving. I rmbered i had double sessions today and i even set an alarm on my phone! ok..so i left school at 1.40pm for a 2.40pm lesson. Then on my way to the centre i made the stupid error of checking my planner. Damn it. Apparently i forgot to pencil in my 2.40pm driving slot together with my 4.40pm one...so...anyone can guess where this is gg lar...haha. I decided to goto the AMK fglibrary to read n slp b4 the 4.40 lesson. Switched on my discman n getting all comfy on one of the couches. All this while i had a nagging feeling tt smthg was wrong so i checked my booking receipt, which ironically was in my planner all along. Wonder why i didnt have the sense to just flip it to confirm...
Then with a sudden 'shit!!!' which caused the ppl arnd to stare at me, i literally bounced off n sprinted, lah. By then i aldy missed 30mins of the 100-min lesson. How my heart ached. Took a taxi there eventually. Damn it. So in the end i paid more for a shorter lesson. I only managed to finish 1 module instead of the usual 2. Learnt how to do the U-turn today in the later lesson. 7 U-turn tests routes in AMK and 3 in YCK. Always rmb tt. heh.
Anwz, all the heartache was compensated by a visit to my granny in AMK. Had a heartwarming macaroni dinner with my grandma n my aunt. Told my aunt abt my crap with my folks in the past few weeks. She didnt, and cldnt help me on anything, but at least i cleared up the misconception tt she had abt me being a spendthrift...coz i really am not. Oh and she bought a mascara for me coz i was asking her for advice on what brand to buy last wk while i tried to get makeup brushes for my mum on Mother's Day.
*sighs* Guess all's well ends well:)
Oh...i just realised that even my mum wants me to work more. And worse still, she wants me to stop pulling a long face when i return from work and tt work shld be a happy affair. But how to when im unhappy with my job? Truly inside, i really don't want to be teaching n teaching all the time. I wanted to try other jobs...like clerical stuff. I didnt, only coz i didnt want to disappoint her. I just didnt like the way she always replies "ok lor..up to u..."
Anwz, she kept saying i dont think for her anymore, which i find true to a certain extent... But what i cannot accept is tt she compared me to herself when she was my age. Said how she slogged her guts for my grandma. Perhaps i really do very little comparedto what she did in the past, but i felt it wasnt fair to make a comparison like that. Really not fair...yet i dont know how to explain to her... She wldnt listen anw. I thot i cld have some time to myself so long as i did my basic work. I thought she really just wanted me to guide him a little during wkends, but boy was i wrong. With tt boy staying at my place im supposed to sit in with him as and when im free. tt was how 'little' she meant.
She blamed me for gg out...she said i didnt spare a thot for her. I admit i havent thot of the family much these days but as much as i love you, I HATE YOU. I HATE myself even more for feeling so messy inside bcoz of u. i think im losing it soon if i con't this way. Why wont u just be contented with the way i am? Why?? Im unhappy with having to work so much now so why cant u let me be? Sometimes i just hate tt person i call father for not studying hard when he had the opportunity to when he was young. It's all coz of u tt i have to do this now!!
Pls direct them to this blog if ever i meet with a sudden unexpected death.
I don't know if this is a good thing...but i just realise that i CANT LIE! or at least i can n NEVER manage to lie convincingly n get away with it...not with THAT guilty conscience of mine that hinders my escape plans all the time!! Kaoz...went out for a movie right after school 2day..planned to run back to sch b4 630pm which is when my mum wld drive me home. Not tt i asked for it, but she offered to coz i was supposed to give tuition to the PRC ward of hers at night and she wantd me to b ready for it. (sadly, it sounds like im a pig being fattened up in preparation for slaughter, but it's reality for me.) My plan was perfect, except for e fact tt i cldn't bear to lie to her. (coz i nv did so b4...except when i try 2defend myself when she assumes things abt me..which r usually bad.) So when the skeleton tumbled out of the closet, which ironically was pushed out by my very own mouth......MATI. She said she cant trust me anymore. Great man, great. Just what i need. These r the times when i feel like tearing myself up inside. She just has the ability to make me feel so wretched all the time. I love you for that, mother.
All my life i've never known of ppl who'd be afraid of ppl doing stuff for me...i think i shall be the 1st in this field manx...esp when the very person whom im afraid of is the same one whom i have always trusted and loved dearly all these while. I know some people will disagree with some of the things im gonna say here...but personally, i feel that when a person shows concern for another,be it through words or actions; esp when it is supposed to be done out of genuine love for the recipient, the doer should NEVER use these acts as weapons against the recipient in any arguments that may ever take place in the future, esp. if the intention is to create a sense of guilt in the recipient by doing so.
What will this mean for the recipient? It throws him into confusion, and sets him into thinking if all that the other party has ever done for him has all just been a sham, and if all the love that she had shown him had a hidden agenda to it. It makes him question if all that she has done for him was meant to be exchanged with his total compliance with her plans and ideas... I don't really know what am i talking about anymore, but this is what i've got to say---for now. I dont care if others can understand what i write anymore.
To Mum (if ever you stumble upon my blog and see this): While on the surface i seem not to give a hoot about what u say, but let me reassure you i've been listening, and i've been trying my best to do what you want me to and not do what u don't want me to; just not to make you angry anymore. But please, i beg you to start taking me, and bro as individuals (and in future, meimei too when she turns into a teenager), and give us the freedom of thought as any individual deserves. Sometimes, i just think that you need to learn to be open-minded enough to listen to others' views without presuming that they are too immature to think properly, and consider the possibility that others' thoughts may all just make sense t00. I've seen how you quarrel with Aunt Choo and Ah How uncle, and of course, how you refused to let Cynthia carry on her relationship with her boyfriend---and threw her out of our house as a result. Look at her now. She's doing so very well now, as far as everyone can see. Why can't u learn to forgive her, when everyone else has? I've also witnessed other times u argued your way through till others complied to your stand. Or the way u indirectly decided others' futures for them---in the case of Kel n Jia Hui. I know u did so with the best of their interests, but still, THEIR own interests come first, didn't you once tell me? You never once heard them out nor did you allow any grounds for dicussion, citing the reason tt they were too immature to think for themselves. U wldn't have known how sorry i felt for Kel when i saw his crestfallen face, or when he sadly told me that he wasn't allowed to pursue the IT course in ITE he wanted and that u wanted him to go to Shatec instead. However, on this, I do believe that u're right--- he wld do well at Shatec, and he'd enjoy it there, being the people-person he is.
Btw, Last Sun u threatened to disown me when i showed that i was sian abt having to teach Chris and tt ward of yours from Guangdong---by sighing. I understand u were angry coz i did so in front of your ward, and u felt it was an ugly thing to do. And i do agree that it was wrong for me to have done so...but i did so coz i was really tired at tt time, after just coming back from driving the whole morning. Having to think abt the work schedule that lay ahead of me at a time when i badly want to rest made it unbearable. Pls try to understand. But to mention disowning me coz of an outsider? The fact that u even think of disowning me coz of a minor trigger makes me wonder if i even mattered to you sometimes. And to be brutally frank, i think that perhaps me being out of your system and out of your face for some time may the only way to make you appreciate me for all that i've done for your sake, to make u proud n happy. Till then, if ever you decide tt you want me back, i'll always be ready to come back into your arms. I love you always, mum.
So sad manx... i feel that it's fading already...right before my eyes. And the worst thing is that i'm clueless about what to do about it. Should i just let it slip away from me? Or struggle to keep it going? And if i try to keep it going would it mean anything anyways? Im really disappointed that it had to end up in the direction of the dumps... Im disappointed in you, man:( You've become so cold suddenly...