I've realised lately that i've been getting rather emotional over the littlest things.
Kinda forgot that results are out tmr, and that would decide for me if i would want to continue on in my 4th yr. And it kinda hit me then, that this was it. If i haven't done at least decent for all the efforts i've been putting in throughout the sem, then there wouldn't be much of a point staying on for another 2 sems, since it wldn't get me anywhere nearer to a 2nd-lower Hons CAP. I could probably choose to continue on the pretext of self-enrichment, but honestly speaking, that's just all there is to it.
So, it was at pract that Cal reminded me of the results release. And i figured it wld also decide if i would be having as many chances to have so much fun staying back for acap singing every Tues evening. It's definitely easy to say that i would still continue to sing at Reso n turn up for practices every week even after i graduate, but as Andrew had so aptly put it, it's all 'say only'. Nothing is for sure, especially not with regards to where i'd go or what i'd be doing, so it's really hard to tell if i'd get to sing as much in future, or get to see the friends i've come to know, love and treasure in these past three yrs in NUS.
But I guess what i CAN do, is probably make the most of my time (left) at Reso, and have as much fun as possible, even if it means incurring the wrath of Boss Chong cuz 'we haven't done anything productive today'.
If only i didnt have to make such tough decisions abt my own life.
I don't know which is wearing me out more - running after 40 over kids, making sure they're safe and not running abt and bumping their heads against walls, table corners and down staircases, shutting them out/up because they just seem to be capable of creating millions of decibels of noise 24/7; or juggling two jobs which involves shuttling between clementi and potong on a daily basis.
Im feeling the fatigue. And increasingly, i feel like my body's not responding to my mind anymore; it's falling apart.
Im in no position to complain i know, because everyone else is getting very tired too, so i try to keep up and don't complain so much. Everyone needs the break as much as i do. But it takes so much more effort to try to conceal my exhaustion; im getting even more tired the more i hide it. Am i making any sense? I don't know anymore. When I question why i put myself in such a predicament, i know i'd say im going through it all because of the music and the people that i love. But ironically, it is my love that is taking away more energy than it gives to me.
It just gets so hard to keep up sometimes, to the point that even the littlest triggers can drive me to tears.
How funny that this turns up on my blog just two days after i enjoyed myself so much, both during and after the concert. The enjoyment process gave me reasons to believe that everything would be worth it in the end of a loooong period of toiling, but at the same time, the careless enjoyment in itself reminds me of how much i am missing it and the tremendous amt of it that i badly need to keep me going.
Sigh.
I just hope a good 7-hour slp can take all that bad sentiments away, and give me the energy to wake up to yet another day. Coz i don't know how much more disappointment i can take, waking up thinking that it's finally Sunday, only to find out that im still stuck on freaking Monday.
Having cough, flu and sore throat all at the same time really, really sucks. Because not only would ur diet be restricted, you'd find difficulty deciding if u shld be taking Chi medicine or the Western one i.e. paracetamol, since taking both only screws up your body even more. If only taking chocolates would make them all go away-.- Wouldn't it be nice!
Never thought i'd ever learn a thing or two about patience from one of my charges, who is with Metta School.
He isn't ur average child; probably not with brain damage resulting in a certain extent of mental handicap. But of the whole lot of lovely little munsters - a metaphor certainly apt in its use - that i watch over at the student centre, i have a soft spot for this little one. What is especially endearing about him is how his handicap hasn't taken away one bit of his cheerfulness, and literally, made an honest boy out of him, no doubt enabled by his eloquence. I love the way he's always happy to see me, which is something i look forward to everyday when i report for work. Unlike other children, he has no qualms expressing what he really feels and thinks. Though it does get a little tricky at times when he refuses to, or becomes restless while doing his hmk, it's funny how he can unwittingly make witty comments which never fail to make us laugh.
Friday started out normal enough; we'd have him do extra-curricular exercises in the mornings, before giving him lunch and sending him to the busstop to wait for his sch bus. But that day, lunch was prepared late, so what ensued was a mad rush for time to catch the school bus. We were late as a result, so what usually seemed like a short 5min wait for the bus became a painfully long 20min one, as we kept a close watch on the incoming traffic for the first signs of the bus - by that point i was sure that we'd missed it, and i had managed to convince him that we needed to return to the centre to get my wallet so that i cld send him to sch by cab. But just as i as leading him back the way we came, he stopped me abruptly to take a last lingering look at the traffic. And as if to reward his good instincts, the bus with the 'metta sch bus 4' placard at the corner of the windscreen appeared around the bend towards us. And with a joyous chuckle, he happily led me back to the busstop without the smug 'i told u so's that u'd expect dealing with other children. Nor with the usual fretting, blaming and crying while waiting for the bus - he had shown me how he cld make a penguin with his handkerchief, and talked abt wanting to watch Prince Caspian of the Narnia series. It was as if he was the one calming me down instead, haha.
If i needed a very good reason to spend the rest of my life working at the centre, this wld probably serve as a perfect reminder of how much i have learnt from the kids about life, and that there'd be so much more i'd learn from them, with every single moment that i spend with them:)
Visited 3 temples today, in celebration of Vesak Day. Which is a celebration of the birth, enlightenment (yes, its aka Nirvana, for those who know ur bands well) and the passing of Gautama Buddha. Personally, i don't think it was exactly the intention of Buddha to have millions of followers to offer him joss sticks on his birthday in return for good luck, lotsa money and the likes. Thanks to local cultural influences, Buddhist followers probably got a little mixed up between Taoist practices and Buddhist beliefs, hence all the incense smoke and hustle-bustle u see in all the temples and monastaries island wide. I guess being aware of such differences probably makes me more careful abt the things i say to Buddha and the Goddess of Mercy in my prayers. Maybe i've been doing it right so far, considering the feeling of inner calm i feel after all those visits.
Boogie pract today was really good, but it sure was TIRING. Never in my life have i felt so drained after doing just one song...i didnt even feel like singing in the shower. But thank goodness, i hv the fabulous arrangement, and my very groovy, very energetic fellow Boog-ers to count on to make the pract a really enjoyable one;)
For that, I hv to admit that Boss Chong rocks - though i definitely wont be caught dead telling him that.
Having abstained from sugar, chicken and everything cold including air-con for almost 2 weeks, JY is definitely endorphin-deficient. Top it off with disturbed sleep for almost a week coz i get suffocating coughing fits everytime i lie down, Labels: bitter medicine
Thank goodness my vocal cords recovered abit, and we didnt do too badly for pract tdy. Hope my voice doesnt get worse tmr!
Currently am very happy, coz i've got a good read in my bag, and i just got myself 3 more for the hols. Am feeling very much better abt myself already!
Starting to meet up with friends i havent heard from in a long time too, so things r also looking good on the social front.
It's official: I LOST MY VOICE.
I can barely manage a whisper, much less talk. Singing for practs for Mon n Tues is totally out of the question, as u can see. In fact, i already know that 5 people will be getting really pissed with me by tmr evening. I haven't even told them yet, coz i know it's better not to.
Interesting relevation of the day: Labels: random bits of randomness
Everything that i ever want from a guy, i got it from my smelly old bolster.
Hmm.
Only regret was that i spent half a minute tending to my very persistent cough that just went on and on till i gagged and nearly threw up in the exam hall. That was when i knew i had to put down my pen n catch my breath, coz the thought of walking out of the hall on the last day of exams with vomit on my favourite red jacket was simply, devastating. I had my uber strong self biological control to thank for preventing that from happening, fortunately; though i ended up with a very sore and stiff jaw and very traumatised neighbour whom i pretty much scared the sh*t out of with my involuntary gagging noises.
Heck, what have i just done? I wrote an entire paragraph on my gagging experience in the exam hall because i was emotionally alarmed by it n it left too deep an impact for me not to ramble on and on abt it. Im such a rubbish head sometimes.
The evening was spent working for this 'Are u Men's H***** enough?' pageant. Basically, my job was to transport cartons of heavy goody bags from the event hall to the front reception, pack them nicely under the reception table, and then distribute them out to the VIPs and the invited guests... which makes me no different from a highly paid coolie at 10 munnies an hour. But that was okay, coz i had shan with me, and i got to see what zouk is like when the sun is still up (though i seriously prefer the post-sunset zouk i last saw 2 yrs ago). And yes, i ogled at the contestants (not so good-looking macho men) and a very gorgeous host whom i used to see on tv but i just cant recall her name.
Wish xw was there too. won't be seeing that woman for the next three months while she tours the US:(