Woah...it's been so long since i last wrote an entry... Meant to ramble abt the trip to Bintan but simply found no time. Once i came back i realised that a thousand and one things were waiting to be done. My marking, my lesson planning, and yes, holy cow, yes my University application. Sometimes i question myself if i really am concerned abt my future...all the degree-->job-->earn-a-living crap. Sometimes it's like...u know it's very important staff and u should settle it ASAP but u just don't feel like meddling with it coz u know it's gonna be so complicated? Esp when i have to write lotsa essays to help myself gain entry.
Oh anyways..im digressing. Supposed to be talking abt my Bintan trip. It's really worth it. Tried some stuff that i normally would never do...like body surfing, kayaking, snorkelling...though i got sea-sick in the middle of it all and kenna body cramps. I suddenly found that i cldn't move at all and my legs looked damned distorted. ha...gross...more of that later. I was surprised to find out we had a villa all to ourselves la...I absolutely had no idea of where and what we were gg to do. I just agreed to evrything without knowing what exactly was happening, basically. Pretty lovely...esp when it's near the sea. Felt real bright and cheery....except for the irritatg freaky creak-creak sound tt nv once stopped throughout our stay. Cldn't even determine if it came from inside the villa or outside it. Xw becks sr n i had the master bedrm! AS for the food...mama mia! Save for the fact that i still cldnt bring myself to eat all the poor shell creatures. The chickens suffered the most as a result. Oh n on the 2nd day we all got down to work n had home-cooked spaghetti n corn soup. Things GENERALLY taste better when it's done by ourselves. Ambience was gd n yup...lotsa fun of course! Only thing was hs was missing...thot of her quite alot. As for what i did... ... ...well i am not YET expertised in cooking so i helped in the washing up instead. heehee...
Went to a pub for the 1st time in my life...ironically so far away from home where i have plenty of them just 20mins from home. Went on a high there...on milky mocktails. haha!!! We wantd to dedicate a song for zw coz tt fella was turng 19 on the 24th. haha...but the band didnt understand anytg tt poor jh was desperately tryg to say. He nearly acted his intentions out i think.
Day 2 we went body surfing. Very fun running out as far as i cld n cruisg back on the big big waves...things i'd nv see in my little city island. Shiok. Got badly sunburnt tho...shucks. The area above my ass was so badly burnt despite the fact that we surfed at sunset. Nv knew setting suns were so potentially dangerous to the skin. Funky. DAy 3 we finished up all other activities we wantd to do. we kayaked 1st. Paired up with bro jh. I think we worked pretty well together. Zui jia pai dang! Not to mention that he was looking out for me most of the time when we were out at sea. Felt really safe with him arnd. If u're talking abt friends u can dpd on, this is it. But of coz im not saying my nuenues dont la! They look out for me in other ways too...and im really blessed to have them there for me...and me for them. Anwz back to the snorkelling drama episode. Kept feelg constricted most of the time in the sea. Went back to the speedboat with sr n becks who were seasick as well. Must be due to not havg lunch n not enuf slp the night b4. The freakg swaying boat didnt help too. Felt like throwing up in the driver's face. When the rest finally returned and we were returning to shore i was feelg damn weak. Den i realised tt my whole body was numb n i cldnt breathe properly. That's when i found out tt i was grippg to the pole at the side very tightly. And i cldnt release it. My body just refused to listen no matter how hard i tried. Startd to panick and feel more sick. I even wondered if that was how a person felt when he was gg to die. Seriously at tt pt of time, i didnt mind just dying there. I was feeling THAT terrible. Others noticed my face was practically white. Held on to hc who was in front of me coz i felt like i'd pass out anytime. The boatman came over to massage my left hand too. He realised i was having body cramp n cldnt move an inch. Hc tackled my right. Real thankful to hc. He helped me alot there. Felt slightly better. Cldnt even walk properly when we reached back to the beach. Zw n xw had to support me like some lao ah ma. Didnt really recover from my state of disability till i suddenly had a craving for Burger King fish burger and cried. My face colour only returned then. Xw had a gd laugh...i didnt know if i was crying or laughing either. haha.... All's well ends well i guess!
Im just glad im alive...and can live to tell the tale of a grp of 7 very lovely people who warmed my heart with the sincere care and concern they showered during the trip. The feeling of family when i was with them wld nv be forgotten. Im loving it!
Right now im more hopeless and clueless than ever... Just found out that there wouldn't be much chances for me to get into the courses that i want afterall. Very tough... On the surface i try to put up a very brave front...but underneath the facade im writhing, squirming in deep deep pain...it's so so so painful inside...but i know for the sake of all the people who love me and are truly concerned about me, i've got to be strong and move on like i've said i would. But it's so so hard...so very hard...... So hard to carry on with the show. Why can't i just give up? I want to run away from it all...i really want to... I locked myself up in my room to write all these. Im crying out loud now...masked by the music i put on...choked by my own tears... It's terrible. Im in shambles..but it gives me the temporary relief that i so desperately need... Who would understand exactly what im going through but myself? Who would know what truly am i thinking of right now but myself? For 6 years now i'v been gearing myself towards my ambition to be a counsellor...someone who would give others the emotional relief, the listening ear that they need to remove at least some of their pain...but now because of a few alphabets that are now regarded so wretchedly in others' eyes, i see that dream slowly disappear and disintegrate into nothingness...it's drifting further and further away from me now...i can hardly see it... who would know how that felt? What have i been working for all these 6 years? And how can i possibly just start thinking about other paths to take when i've totally devoted myself to something else? Even my closest friends wouldn't have known how badly i've wanted this.
My grades don't matter at all to me...just give me my dreams back... Im not like the others. I dont merely work for that dastard slip and put myself in just any presitgious courses...or any prestigious schloaships...what i want is my dream...give it back to me please...
I dont have a direction anymore...
It’s been more than 20hrs since the shock that I got over my results yesterday. Though I’ve gotten over the crying I still feel immense pain and heartache inside. Still coming to terms with it. Waking up has never been harder. Woke up wondering if all that has happened could just have been a very bad nightmare afterall…until reality sank in and I leave my bed with the sinking feeling in my heart. Sighing has become the most comfortable way of releasing some of the very deep pain that I feel inside. At this point, im really clueless about what life has in store for me… It’s like reaching a junction with initially a lot of routes to take, then suddenly they disappear in front of you one by one…until what you are left with only a pathetic few. Sometimes I really think that taking my life from me would have been easier… Take it all away.
Cant believe i'll be getting my dreaded A levels results in just 4 hours time... Felt so stoned in the morning...due to the lack of sleep i suppose...Was playing Shark Tale on the PS 2 till 2am. Morning was like: *knock knock...*
Me to my brain: You're getting results today. You're getting results today. You're getting results today.
My brain to me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... (no signals received)
Couldn't teach properly during lessons just now. Very distracted. The other teachers in school kept seeing this moronic RT in heels, audaciously wearing a short denim skirt and a yuppie 'Hush Puppies' top, running to and fro the staffroom and B2-06. Bet they were having a good laugh behind my back. Haha! Such is the behaviour of yours truly when she's cranky and rubbery in the head. Yup...Rubbery is the word of the day now. But some of my 'brothers and sisters' and my beloved cousins were really sweet about it though... Been receiving lotsa 'good lucks' and 'all the bests' and 'you can do its!' and 'i believe in yous!' since Wednesday. You Sung even drew a picture for me and gave it to me today. Oh manx...he did a really good job there. Got him to sign his autograph on it. It'll be one of the best 'Graduation Certs' when i leave in June.
Anyways, for now... Feeling really scared i guess... Can feel all the acid oozing out into my stomach right now. I pray i'll be able to come out of the hall smiling...at least. Probably will be snatching my slip from Mrs Lim before she can even say a thing. Haha...just like what Alvin did. Totally cool. Best of luck to myself and of course...to all my friends. *hugs*
PS: Happy Birthday to Dad! LOVE you much much!! Hope i'll be able to give you your best birthday present today!;)