Beautiful, beautiful Siloso.
Been there to perform tonight with my acappella group, and the place was simply, simply heaven on earth. Picture this:
You're standing on this quiet part of the beach, along the Western edge of the island - which is exactly where you should be to see the sun set in the horizon. Feeling totally at peace, you hum ur favourite tune quietly as you look out the sea, the sea breeze gently blowing upon ur face, gently taking all your troubles away as you dedicate a serene moment to yourself.
Havent enjoyed such moments for too damn long a time.
Performance was by and large satisfactory (by my own standards), considering that at a function, your role as the performer is to provide music which only serves as a distant distraction while the guests indulge in their dinner and converse with their dinner mates. Ideally, they should barely even hear you, which works fine for me so long as they feed me some of that yummy lobster bisque and moroccan-spiced chicken over there. And feed me, they did. Their white wine was pleasantly light and sweet too, much to my gleeful delight. Top it off with sweet desserts, surrounded by the sound of the sea waves crashing against the shore and the gentle wind in my hair; for once, i'd gladly die a lonely spinster right there and then.
Spoil me silly with many more moments like this, please.
Been on a self-imposed abstinence from my fav strawberry cream donuts, chocolates and chicken meat for the past week or so in preparation for the Rasa Sentosa gig on thurday evening (damn excited abt it), so tt my throat doesnt get any more clogged up with phlegm. It's icky to hear ur vocal cords bubble with phlegm over the mic, u see.
Really happy its only TWO days more to the performance.
Cant wait cant wait!
Afterthoughts from today's lecture on autism:
I cant help but think about how tremendously difficult it is to care for an autistic child. I wonder, if i am fated to have an autistic kid in future (which i really hope not), whether i would be able to give all my time, love and patience to him. I wonder if i would have that kind of strength that i see in the parents of the autistic children in the documentary. It must be hard, so so hard for them.
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Just woke up to do my readings before i head for school. Feeling a little more pressured than usual, a little more burdened. But then again, i suspect these feelings might have been there all along, just that i pretended they werent there sometimes, and there have been all these activities which served as happy distractions from deep thoughts. Thank god for those.
I only realised just how hard i've really gotta work after i graduate, when my tuition fee loan statement of account came yesterday. And along with that realisation, came the fear of not being able to pay off my academic debts fast enough to get rid of that burdened feeling, and the pressure to perform better academically so i cld say that that huge sum of money that had been spent was all worth it. All 24 grand of it.
But its not like i havent been trying very hard for the past few years to excel, to overcome the increasingly overwhelming sense of indebtedness and guilt for wasting the money like that.
How i'd love to have a reassuring somebody, a figure of authority in my life to take me into his or her arms and tell me comforting lies, like how i've worked hard enough, and that i've done well enough coming this far, juggling studies with work. Work that doesnt even begin to give me the sense of achievement that i badly need in my life because i dont even have a grp of students to call my own, and its only better that way for them precisely because im still studying - studies which btw do practically nthg too to make me feel a little bit better abt myself. It makes me feel so alone sometimes, despite the proximity to the family and the company of friends that i keep, because everyone else would have me believe that that's life, that i should face it and stop being such a naive and whiny big baby, get on my feet and continue to slog my ass off for the rest of my life. I can almost hear them say, 'Come recite the cold and heartless mantra with me, like everybody else is doing.'
Talk abt herd instincts.
Ultimately, as i chuck my emo emotions aside to start a spanking new day the way i stuff my accounts statement away into my file, i do realise that i've got to recite that cold, heartless mantra tgr with the rest and attend to the pediatric psych readings which have been sitting patiently on the table all this while, quietly demanding that i go to them. NOW.
Been hit real hard by the flu bug. I recall feeling so miserable on Tuesday, i felt i cld just sleep and slowly die away on my train ride home, and having no one know abt it until after the mrt makes a few rounds, when somebody - probably the mrt staff - finally discovers that the girl who looks like she's just dozed off after a long day at school, isnt gonna wake up anymore. The thought was rather creepy, so it had me call my mum to let her know i wasnt feeling well and cld i have her wait for me at the gantry just in case i fainted on the train. it really felt THAT bad.
Feeling better today tho. I managed to start the day with an optimistic outlook despite the lethargy.
But somehow, a friend of mine had to go on to spoil all that optimism. What was meant as an advice given with the best of intentions was shot right back at me, filled with the most brilliant touch of sarcasm.
It made me think that i shld have just concentrated on recovering afterall. It really doesnt fking pay to be helpful.
The uncles in my arts canteen drinks stall are really, really kindhearted.
I came down with a bad cold today, so i went there to get a cup of hot water so i cld make a cup of nice, warm herbal tea with the sachet of herbal stuff i brought from home. When i requested for it, all he asked was, "U're sick?" and proceeded to ask his colleague to fill the cup for me. I offered to pay for it, thinking that it was very much worth it since he was being so nice. But quite expectedly, he rejected it. Just a couple of simple gestures, but it meant a whole lot to me.
Made me feel so much better abt my sniffy nose=)
And i think maybe, just maybe, the society i live in isnt totally ungracious afterall=)
I don't know what to make out of this but the minute i woke up, this song from Splender started playing over and over again in my head. It's strange, considering i havent heard the song in a while, and i dont remember any ads carrying the song recently. I've gotta admit im taking it out of context, but just thought i'd post it up anyway.
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's alright, I'm ok
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it, yeah
These days, i find solace only in the confines of the master bedroom toilet. Sometimes the bed too, if im lucky.
Think im really getting old. And mentally vulgar.
Went for hiphop class yest with the bestie, and man, i've never 'mental-cuss'ed so much in an hour before. The moves seemed easy enough, and the others were able to keep up. The bestie had difficulties rmbrg the steps, but old rickety me was facing a triple jeopardy - rmbrg the step sequence, moving my body fast enough (hey, but despite that i can still do the sexeh body wave!) and - the most puzzling of them all - i was having trouble with mirror images. Which basically leads to the question of why am i trying to learn dance in the first place.
So. Not surprisingly, i got pretty self-conscious; my brain was practically screaming 'oh fk' for a good whole hour coz i cldnt face up to the fact the clumsy monkey i saw in place of my reflection was in fact. Me. THANK GOODNESS I HADNT DECIDED TO LEARN HIPHOP IN SCHOOL. I looked like my body was facing rapid physical retardation. And as if that wasnt bad enough, my fly came undone i-dunno-when. Was wearing skin hugging pants, u see, and i guess all that moving arnd proved to be too much for them too. haha!
But despite my boo-boo, im not turned off learning how to dance just yet. Perhaps a slower number this time:p
For reasons unknown, people have been doggedly drawing up annual to-achieve-for-good lists for themselves on the last day of the year (every year), which they, ironically, not-so-doggedly (if at all) try to achieve - with yours truly as a splendid case in point. And since yours truly - that's me! - feels a strong sense of belonging to this uniquely cute nation of resolut-ors, I have made it a personal agenda to serve as a brilliant exemplar for my resolute people. Which, needless to say, involves drawing up my very own list of eight resolutions for the spanking new n beautiful year of 2008.
I RESOLVE to...
Oops! Almost forgot my most important qualifier of the year, which makes it no 9.