They say that things happen when u least expect it. Im glad i hadn't expected it to:)
I've almost stopped believing that the good begets the good, until somebody picked up my card holder, which contained my driving license and my ezlink, from under the seat in the cinema and contacted me via FB. (Thank goodness for its creation.) And by coincidence or otherwise, i had earlier on picked up someone else's ezlink card when she dropped it while walking ahead of me. Divine intervention? Dodgy old sayings? U bet im a believer:)
Passed by our old house in Bishan on our way back from Daddy's Day dinner, where i spent nine lovely childhood years in. Brought about a wave of nostalgia, coz there are lots and lots of good old memories that i hold dear of that place. Sadly though, that little hill i used to climb up on the way to my PAP kindergarten at the top is now barricaded and about to be levelled for a new condominium. If only things could just remain the way they always were, the past wld seem less like something u only waste ur time thinking about... Perhaps this quote i found in Prozac Nation sums it up the best:
"...that there are all these feelings you're not supposed to have because there's no reason to anymore. But they're there, stuck somewhere, a flaw that evolution hasn't managed to eliminate yet, like tonsils or an appendix."
I totally understand what Wurtzel's getting at when she said that, coz i do feel the same way sometimes abt things that i encounter in my life; in this case, how all these developments are slowly making it pointless for us to remember what used to be in the past because u're not getting them back anw, that u really shld be spending more effort in coping with the present instead.
Brought the kids to the fish farm today!
Was kinda like a short one-day vacation to unwind after weeks of preparing my 2 Chinese tutees for their entrance exams this week, except it was probably 10 times more tiring than the usual teaching duties at the centre - not to mention having to play street directory to the bus driver when i myself don't even know how one expressway leads to the others, having to holler at kids who spit into the fish ponds, and feed cranky kids who just don't know what's good for them.
But don't get me wrong, i really had alot of fun.
What with:
leading my troops into the wrong fish farm (how embarrassing, i know),
longkang fishing with the kids,
watching how they smack the poor fishes with their nets the way u swat flies with the swatter, laughing at the other teachers who seem to be more excited than the kids;
scream fest when they dangled a lab rat in front of my face,
finally holding onto the tiny squeaky thing, only to have it poop under duress in my hand;
coaxing the little ones into touching the koi,
rod-fishing with/for them;
transfer newborn baby fishes from one container to another, and back from one to the other,
watching their fascination with newborn guppies and dying fishes,
watch them bargain and trade their fighting fishes for baby lobsters etc.
The kids are just way too adorable, i tell u.
Pract tdy was productive too, all the while not forgetting our usual dose of nonsense and random comments and rumbling butts.
At this point, I only hope my 2 kids didnt do badly in their exams man.
i guess im feeling much calmer now. I've been feeling kinda moody these few days; getting more angry than i shld be sometimes, more prone to tears and ermss...swearing more than i did in the past few mths. (Man, im turning my blog into a confessional!)
To my friends who've seen me through, please try to bear with me and be rest assured that this doesnt happen under normal circumstances. Sheer fatigue from my day job; and frustrations due to uncooperative, irresponsible MIA grp mates probably drove me to the extremes at some of the times that u did see me go more than a little mad. But of course, thank you for ur reassurances, patience and understanding all this while. I'll try not to let things get to me so much, and erm, take more deep breaths?:p
Im worried worried worried.
In a few hours, Mum's going to Guangzhou, which is exactly the place to be in if u'd like to experience heavy floods in person.
And gawd, she can't swim.
What better way to publicly declare my love affair with the choc-os and make everyone happy than having a yummy chocolate blogskin?:) At the same time, this is also the very first time i've changed my own blogskin, and im super proud of my achievement! I actually did this just a day before i decided to do my Hons, sure hope this is a positive omen for my upcoming acad yr! ( and Congrats to shan for snagging that ocbc job!)
I make it a point to do this everytime i change my blogskin: to thank Derek Sum for helping me create my very first '我今天很pink' blog four years ago; and to Bel, for subsequently changing and doing up my 'naughty girl' blogskin. Figured it's high time i grew out of that phase, heh. I still have all the previous skin codes tho, for nostalgia's sake:)
This post, i owe it to all my friends who have in one way or another, helped me make this decision that i think would pretty much affect how i would spend the next decade of my life. Thanks to y'all:)
Esp with the greatest encouragement i can ever get from my dear Charm, who was there to talk me through my feelings of guilt and obligation at 2.30am this morning, i managed to calmly walk into the Dean's office this morning to cancel my FFG. This time, im doing it not for anyone else; im doing it for myself.
And i know i am only making the right choice.
I don't really know how to start describing why it is so exceptionally difficult for me to make what should have been a very simple decision. All i can say, is that i've got obligations built on acts of love to fulfill, and these obligations happen to work in opposition to my own interests and ambitions. They've brought me much guilt and uncertainty in the past few yrs -esp so in the past yr - because i had come to think that i was simply being selfish for wanting to pursue my personal interests.
To be honest, there is still a bit of the guilt and fear in my heart which i havent quite gotten rid of, even as i speak. I can't help but feel like i've abandoned the ones i love when they needed me the most; i fear for how my choice would affect them, and whether they'd be able to cope with my decision. What i wldn't do to convince both myself and them that everything will be alright; that i'd still be around to help and i hope they still find it in their hearts to love and forgive me after what seems like betrayal on my part.
I don't expect anyone to understand why i feel this way, or why i make it so hard for myself. All i know is that i really owe them lots that i've come so far. But for the record, im more or less feeling more settled by now, so not to worry (if u are). i just need a little while more to come round to the solution that i've found to deal with myself:)